5 Years Ago Today

Every day I look on my Timehop app to see what I was doing today a few years back. As I went through today's timehop one picture came up from 5 years ago and it surprised me at first that I didn't remember it as I had the first few years. July 19, 2012 was the date my divorce to my children's father became final. We were together for close to 20 years and married for 17. Our relationship was tumultuous from the very beginning but instead of running in opposite directions from each other we stayed together. I had our son the year after we met and we were married a few years later. Our daughter came soon after and we were this young family just trying to make it. I am not going to lie and say that there were no good days, because there were...but the bad outweighed the good. We fought about everything from money to unfaithfulness. I remember wanting a divorce when our daughter was less than a year old, but we wouldn't get one until she was actually 15. We had kids together and for the longest time I thought that was the main reason to stay in our marriage but never realizing that I was compromising my happiness for something that didn't exist which was a marriage consisting of two people who supported, loved and protected each other-we didn't have that. I went through years of feeling alone and like I actually had 3 kids instead of 2. I had to support our family as the main breadwinner because he was not dependable, it was a struggle and it was lonely...I was lonely. I had my kids throughout the years to keep me going and whether they know it or not, they made me stronger. I wanted to be a good mother to them and try and give them whatever they needed. Looking back I sometimes think that I should have left when they were small so that they never had to go through days watching their parents fight like they did. But then I think that those bad days helped them become the people they are today with a better understanding of how to treat the ones you choose to love. Our mistakes were their lessons, but I do wish they didn't have to witness years of fighting. We bought a house together because I started to give in to the fact that this was going to be my life and I might as well make the most of it. Then one day I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't take the fighting, the unhappiness, the loneliness. My kids were both in high school and I decided I would live out my 4 year plan which was to get all my ducks in a row in the next 4 years which would allow my kids to finish high school so that they wouldn't have to make many changes and they would be old enough to understand. As the days went on I realized that even 4 years more of my life was too much to give to a man who didn't care if I even existed. As the fighting got more intense I decided to move into my own room in a different part of our house. The funny thing is that he thought that was ok and thought things were as they had always been. The police were called to my house on more than one occasion because the neighbors heard us screaming at each other, it was pretty intense. After a really bad fight I went to the courthouse and filed the divorce paperwork that I had been working on for months...I had finally reached my breaking point. I had been going to church for a year and living in my separate part of the house for almost a year when I decided that I needed to go out again. Yes I had my friends and while it was nice to get away with them, I needed to meet people of the opposite sex to find myself again. This is the part in my life where there were people who told me that I needed time to myself to re-discover myself since I was with him for so long. What they didn't understand was I had been in a relationship for almost 20 years where the last 10 was just a façade. If we spoke to each other it was usually us calling each other names. I had enough ME time to go around and I needed to find myself again. My first marriage made me never want to get married ever again and I never thought I would. He would always tell me that I had 2 kids and nobody would want me and then he would call me mean and hurtful things. I would defend myself and say mean and hurtful things right back. I was this person that I didn't recognize anymore and I didn't like who I had become. Most of you have heard the story of how I met Miji and for those of you who haven't, it was an online dating site. I was still technically married when I met him, the divorce paperwork was in the system and I had already started looking for places to live. I found a place and my kids decided to move with me while still keeping rooms at the house with their dad. I knew he wouldn't be able to keep up our mortgage and I knew my credit would plummet, but I didn't care. I finally realized that my peace of mind for not only myself but for my kids was more important than my credit or anything that held me back in the past. When the kids and I moved into our place it was an instant change. It was quiet and peaceful and we laughed again. Of course there were still a lot of obstacles with each other to overcome and get used to but we did it. The whole divorce process was a paperwork nightmare and I would lose hope as it kept getting returned to me. One day my sister told me she wanted the whole thing to be done with and she helped me pay for a paralegal to clean up all the paperwork and submit it to the court. We never had to go before a judge and within months the computer said "Date Marital Status Terminates 7/19/12" I remember thinking that it was the same date as my sister's birthday and while she should be the one getting gifts, she had given me one of the greatest gifts by helping me to complete the process. We celebrated that year at a party at her house and she gave me a heart keychain that said "To new beginnings 7/19/12". Perhaps I didn't remember what day it was today because as the years go by I know that I have made peace with those bad times that my ex and I endured. I don't wish him any ill will and I often pray for him. I know that without him I would not have been given the chance to be the mother to my kids and I can't imagine my life without them. We have been thorough so much together and I know that the three of us will always have that special bond because of the hard times we went through back then. Today Miji and I are married and we have the kind of marriage that I always wished for. We love each other, he adores my kids, we support each other and I feel safe. Five years ago today I found myself again and I am so thankful.